Interview with a Crazy Person!
by 1000th Ghost
Summary: Hey Arnold's shrink, Dr. Bliss, interviews Santiago, the old man from "The Old Man and the Sea" aka the worst book in the history of forever.


**Interview with a Crazy Person!**

**By: 1000****th**** Ghost**

Announcer: Welcome to...

Audience aka A Bunch of Random People: INTERVIEW WITH A CRAZY PERSON!!

Announcer: That's right! Interview with a Crazy Person, the show where we interview crazy people! And here's your host...Dr. Bliss!

Dr. Bliss: WHAT?! What is this crud? I ordered a cappuccino, not a...oh...um...hi everybody!

Audience: YAY!! SHE SAID HI TO ME!! I MUST BE SPECIAL!! You're not special, I am. No, I am! No, I am! No-

Dr. Bliss: SHUT UP YOU DERANGED MENTAL CASES!! Ahem. Bob! Where the heck's the guest?!

Announcer: Oh, yes! And now, please welcome our crazy person, Santiago!

Audience: Who?

Announcer: (sighs) The old man?

Audience: Huh?

Announcer: And the sea?

Audience: Oh. YAY!!

Santiago: Wha? Where am I?

Dr. Bliss: Oh, you poor soul. Everybody, let's have a moment of silence to remember that this creature is insane, and your life is much better than his ever will be.

Audience: (singing) TOOK MY BABY TO THE LOCAL DISCO! I WAS JUMPING LIKE A MANIAC! TILL THE OWNER CAME AND-

Dr. Bliss: Or you can just sing Weird Al stuff. Either way works.

Santiago: I-I don't think I should be here.

Dr. Bliss: Of course you should.

Santiago: Why?

Dr. Bliss: You get paid to do it.

Santiago: Ah yes, but what is money? Money is of no great importance. I almost had money once, but-

Dr. Bliss: Don't care! Skip the life story, unless I ask you about it. Ok, now please, sit down.

Santiago: (sits in a chair across from Dr. Bliss)

Dr. Bliss: Ok, now-

Santiago: (pretends to cast a fishing pole and reel in a fish)

Dr. Bliss: Um...what are you doing?

Santiago: Fishing.

Dr. Bliss: Fishing?

Santiago: Fishing.

Dr. Bliss: Fishing?

Santiago: Fishing.

Dr. Bliss: Fishing?

(four hours later)

Santiago: Fishing.

Dr. Bliss: Fishing?

Audience: (snore)

Announcer: AHEM... and NOW Dr. Bliss will INTERVIEW Santiago.

Dr. Bliss: Huh? Oh, right. First question. Fishing?

Audience: NOOOOOO!

Dr. Bliss: Oops, sorry. Wrong card. Oh, here it is. Tell me about yourself.

Santiago: I am a man. An old man. I like to fish. It is fun.

Dr. Bliss: (yawn) What do you see yourself doing five years from now?

Santiago: I'll be dead.

Dr. Bliss: Hmm...this is awkward. What do you consider your greatest strengths and weaknesses?

Santiago: I can fish. But I don't catch anything. Except for this one time-

Dr. Bliss: In what way do you think you'll contribute to our company?

Santiago: What does that have to do with anything? Where are you even getting these questions from?

Dr. Bliss: A website.

Santiago: A what?

Dr. Bliss: A magical land full of rainbows and flowers and happy bunnies that spend their days making hot coco.

Santiago: That sounds like a nice place. I want to live there. Are there lions?

Dr. Bliss: Um...do you _want _there to be lions?

Santiago: Of course. Otherwise, who would eat the bunnies?

Dr. Bliss: Do you _want_ the bunnies to be eaten?

Santiago: Why yes. All things must be killed by one another. It is the cycle of life.

Dr. Bliss: So...you are of the belief that things should kill one another?

Santiago: Yes.

Dr. Bliss: O-kay...right then. Um...have _you _ever killed anyone?

Santiago: Yes. I killed my brother.

Audience: (gasp!)

Dr. Bliss: Oh my word! Your brother?

Santiago: Yes. Many of my brothers.

Announcer: We'll be right back, after these messages!

Some black dude: If you've been hurt in a car accident, of any kind of accident, you need a _lawyer. _Can you say _lawyer?_

Random beings: La...wha...um...no.

Some black dude: Our _lawyers _can help you get _money_. Can you say _money_?

Random beings: Mullah! Dough! Booty! Dinero!

Some black dude: Call The Lawyers Group. Call 1-800-677-2020.

Random beings: He spoke math! He spoke math!

Some black dude: Speak with a lawyer near you for _free_. Can you say _free_?

Random beings: (singing) TOOK MY BABY TO THE LOCAL DISCO! I WAS JUMPING LIKE A MANIAC!

Some black dude: Your lawyer gets paid, only if you collect _money_. If you don't collect, you don't pay. Get it?

Random beings: How long is this commercial?

Some black dude: So if you've been hurt in a car accident, or any kind of accident, call toll free. 1-800-677-2020. Call. 1-800-677-2020.

Random beings: But...I _haven't_ been hurt in a car accident or any kind of accident!

Announcer: And now...BACK TO THE SHOW!!

Audience: YAY!!

Dr. Bliss: How many of your brothers did you kill, exactly?

Santiago: Oh, too many to count.

Dr. Bliss: Do you not like your family or something?

Santiago: I have no family.

Dr. Bliss: AWWWW. How sad. Come on everybody, on the count of three, lets all say AWWWW to the poor old man. One...two...three!

Audience: BOOBAH!!

Dr. Bliss: Good enough. So Santiago, did you kill your family?

Santiago: WHAT?! Of course not! What do you think I am, some kind of a murderer?!

Dr. Bliss: But you just said that you killed your brothers...

Santiago: And I did.

Dr. Bliss: But aren't your brothers _part _of your family?

Santiago: No! They're fish!

Dr. Bliss: (pulls out clipboard) Please, tell me more.

Santiago: Well, of course the fish are my brothers! That is why I must kill them!

Dr. Bliss: ...

Santiago: It is my civic duty as a brother of all creatures, to kill them.

Dr. Bliss: What, like with a gun?

Miss Scarlet: Oh, _please_. "Gun" sounds _so _trashy. The proper term is _revolver._

Dr. Bliss: Miss Scarlet, have you ever considered being on "Interview with a Crazy Person?"

Miss Scarlet: (pulls out knife) Don't make me use this...

Dr. Bliss: (takes five steps backwards) Gees. Touchy. So, Santiago, did you kill your "brothers" with a REVOLVER?

Santiago: No, with my hand. I hit them on the head for kindness. Then I kick them.

Dr. Bliss: For...kindness?

Santiago: Yes.

Dr. Bliss: Do you think it is a KIND thing to kill someone?

Miss Scarlet: Yes.

Dr. Bliss: Nobody asked you! So Santiago, if you have no family, do you have any friends?

Santiago: No. Everybody hates me.

Dr. Bliss: Gee, I wonder why.

Santiago: Well, actually, there is the boy.

Dr. Bliss: "The boy"?

Santiago: Yes. He brings me food. Rice and sardines. But we don't eat it.

Dr. Bliss: What? Are you anorexic too?

Santiago: No, it's just that (leans over and whispers) the food isn't _really _there. It's just our "pretend".

Dr. Bliss: Hmm...eating imaginary food, are we?

Peter Pan: Duh. Haven't you ever done that?

Dr. Bliss: Who invited him?

Me: Peter!

Peter Pan: Who are you?

Me: Your soulmate.

Peter Pan: Cool! Wanna go live with me in an underground house, never have to grow up, fly, and fight pirates, with absolutely no adult supervision?

Me: Duh.

Peter Pan: (picks me up in his arms and flies away)

Dr. Bliss: We seriously have to tighten the security on this place.

Announcer: We'll be right back, after these messages!

Girl: This is my CAT!! This is my CAT!! Her name is ROSIE and she is my CCCCCAAAATTTT!!

Announcer: And now back to the show.

Dr. Bliss: Ok, now we're going to play a little word game. I'll say a word, and you say the first word that comes to mind.

Santiago: Steady Helga. Whatever you do, don't say Arnold!

Dr. Bliss: This conversation seems oddly familiar. Oh well. Love.

Santiago: Hate.

Dr. Bliss: Rocket. (thinking) If he says locket, I'm going to scream.

Santiago: Moon.

Dr. Bliss: Phew. Footba-

Santiago: The moon is my brother you know.

Dr. Bliss: I'm sure it is.

Santiago: So is the sun and the stars. But I'm not sure how to kill them.

Miss Scarlet: I could teach you! But then I'd have to kill you.

Dr. Bliss: SECURITY!

Security dude: (picks Miss Scarlet up and starts to carry her out of the room)

Miss Scarlet: Hey baby, how's it goin'? Now what's a big, strong, handsome man such as yourself doing with a low down job like security?

Security dude: I have no idea! How's about you and me-

Mr. Green: Don't even think about it!

Miss Scarlet: Johnny! I thought I killed you!

Mr. Green: You did, but is it ever written that you can't be a jealous lover even after you die?

Emily Cavanaugh Gracey: Nope!

Dr. Bliss: OUT! EVERYBODY OUT!!

Miss Scarlet, Mr. Green, Security dude, and Emily Cavanaugh Gracey: (grumble grumble leave)

Dr. Bliss: Now Santiago-

Santiago: Do you think that the ocean is a male or a female?

Dr. Bliss: I think the ocean is an inanimate object with no gender.

Santiago: (gasp) NEVER INSULT THE OCEAN IN FRONT IF ME!! (pulls out umbrella and points it at Dr. Bliss)

Dr. Bliss: (gasp)

Hagrid: Hey! That's my line!

Santiago: Now old man, don't do that. It will make you even more not right in the head.

Dr. Bliss: Ah yes. Admitting to yourself that you have a problem. That is the first step to recovery. Of course, there is the fact that you're talking to yourself, but that can be expected.

Santiago: Actually, I was talking to the fish.

Dr. Bliss: The fish?

Santiago: The BIG fish. MY big fish.

Dr. Bliss: Um...right. So Santiago, do you have any other hobbies, besides fishing?

Santiago: I like to stab my knife into things.

Miss Scarlet: Me too!

Santiago: Especially oars.

Miss Scarlet: ...

Dr. Bliss: GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!!

Miss Scarlet: (leaves to find Mr. Green)

Dr. Bliss: (glances at the clock, which says that they have seven hours to go) Well...we're almost out of time. Anything you'd like to say before you go, Santiago?

Santiago: Yes. Where do you buy luck?

Dr. Bliss: Buy _luck_?

Santiago: Because I need some.

Dr. Bliss: You can't _buy _luck.

Santiago: Where can you?

Dr. Bliss: NOWHERE!

Santiago: I will pay any price.

Dr. Bliss: You can't buy luck! It's not for sale!

Santiago: Do you have any luck? Will you sell it to me?

Dr. Bliss: NO!! YOU CAN'T BUY LUCK!!

Santiago: Here fishy fishy fishy...

Mrs. Nuckles: Yes dear?

Santiago: Honey! You're alive!

Mrs. Nuckles: Am I ever! I've discovered the joys of torturing children!

Santiago: That's wonderful!

Mrs. Nuckles: Did you know that some little brats actually made a website on how evil I am?

Santiago: A website? You mean a magical land full of rainbows and flowers and happy bunnies that spend their days making hot coco?

Mrs. Nuckles: I guess. That sounds like a nice place.

Santiago: Wanna go live there?

Mrs. Nuckles: Only if it has lions.

Dr. Bliss: AHHHHH!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??

Santiago: Lots of things!

Miss Scarlet: I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!!

Dr. Bliss: FOR THE LAST TIME, GET OUT OF H-

Miss Scarlet: (stab)

Dr. Bliss: (die)

Audience: YAY!! VIOLENCE!!

Announcer: Ahhhh! You killed my wife!

Miss Scarlet: So?

Announcer: I was just gonna say thanks. But why'd you do it?

Miss Scarlet: I was hired.

Announcer: By who?

Miss Scarlet: Helga.

Helga: You're not supposed to tell anyone that you moron!

Miss Scarlet: (pulls out knife) Don't make me use this.

Announcer: Ok then, fine. Why did _you _kill, or at least get an assassin, to kill my wife?

Helga: I was afraid she'd give away my secret.

Audience: What secret?

Helga: Um...

Audience: Suspense!

Helga: Like I'd ever tell any of you morons!

Arnold: Hey, _I _know now, so what's the point of keeping it a secret?

Helga: Arnold?! WHERE THE HECK DID YOU COME FROM?!

Arnold: I was in the audience.

Helga: Oh...

Audience: Oooh! Awkward silence!

Helga: Yeah...well...

Arnold: Helga, there's something I have to tell you. I lov-

Announcer: EVERYBODY GET OUT OF MY SHOW!!

Everybody: _Your_ show?

Announcer: Well _someone's_ gonna have to take over.

Random speaker: (singing) Stories told from friends next door, that they never told...

Everybody: Huh?

Random speaker: (singing) You might be a star tonight, so let that camera roll...

Announcer: GET OUT OF HERE! I'M ON THE AIR IN FIVE SECONDS!

Random speaker: (still singing) You know red and white and blue...oh the funny things you do! America, America, this is you!

New Announcer: And here's your host...BOB SAGET!!

Announcer: Welcome, to AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS!!

Everybody: _You're _Bob Saget?!

Announcer: Security!

Santiago: Let's go fishing in my boat/disco!!

Everybody: (singing) TOOK MY BABY TO THE LOCAL DISCO! I WAS JUMPING LIKE A MANIAC! TILL THE OWNER CAME AND PULLED ME OFF THE FLOOR AND HE- (singing fades out as they leave)

Random speaker: (singing) **You know ****red**** and ****white**** and ****blue****...oh the funny things you do! America, America, thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiiiiis ****yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!**


End file.
